i thought of sharing one of my poems with the world. a poem I wrote to the first real love of my life as she made my poems meen something: here are blue are your eyes.

Blue are your eyes...

Blue are your eyes, as the Caribbean sea.
Full of secrets, can you share them with me.
Blue are your eyes, as all the world’s oceans.
Full of love, compation and other emotions.
Blue are your eyes, as the Antarctic ice.
Full of truth,  pure from lies.
Blue are your eyes, as a thin cloud.
If you were mine I would have been proud.
Blue are your eyes, as an heavy storm.
It is for you my dear, I have been born.
Blue are your eyes as the sky above
I would do anything for your love
Blue are your eyes, as the rivers and streams
you control my thougts and dominate my dreams.
Blue are your eyes, as a stormy blow.
why don’t you see me, I love you so.
Blue are your eyes as one thousend forrest lakes
I’ll always rescue you, no matter what it takes
Blue are your eyes as oncle winters breath
Nothing  take away my love for you, not even death
Blue are your eyes, blue, so saphire blue,
You’ll always be in my heart and I'll always love you

and for those of you who wonder. no I never gave her the poem or said it was for her. but during our poetry grand prix she was there listening to me as I keept eyecontact with only her and reed it by heart. it was times like theese that made my world stop.

- get up sissy, can't you take more than that

dased and confused i found my self on the ground. the new jacket mom bought last week was coverd in mud and there was a new tear in the jeans that I've worn longer then I can reamember.

- so how is it going to be worm. are you going to sitt in the shit all day?

i looked up to once again stare face to face with them. the eyes of buzz, he most evil person in the world. a person so evil and with eyes so dark and intence that just by one short look he devourd your soul and spitted you out  before you realised it and with zero mercy for kids he didn't like. I was one of them without knowing why.

last chance chump. be a man and stand up. I dare you!

hes eyes looked right through me. like a laser cutting butter, my soul once again went to pieces hoping he wouldnt hit me again.

- that's what I thought, you're not a man! you're a coward. hes foul serious face suddenly turned into a dareing smirk as he start laughing at hes latest achievment. I was no person or a human with emotions any longer those borders had been erased long ago. as a dog smells fear he fellt mine. once an evil person gets the taste of blood like a shark it wont stop coming for you until either you or it is dead.

the other kids had alongside buzz started the same old chant.

- mikey is a coward. flat out like a fly. fell down from his tower why wont you ever die.

the echoes of embarasment that had haunted me for months started again. the laugter from the same kids that everyday when noone watches, turns my life to a livng hell and makes my excistense not even worth the crap under buzzes' shoes. the laughters where comming faster and louder. why wouldn't they stop. why couldnt they just leave me alone??? i tried to make it onto my feet but my legs wouldn't obey me. as if someone had choped of my own legs and replaced them with the remains of the chicken club I had for dinner. the salty familiar feeling in my eyes start to act restless, and some tears started to gather in the eye. dammit not now, if I cry yet again the'll just make more fun of me had to resist, had to keep my facade up. that Iwas stronger then I looked so they might leave me alone.

the heartrate accelerated. I had to say something.

- s-s-stop it. I falterd. one of the other kids glared me down with a superior ¨smiles

- what was that, did the little chump say something buzz?

- Ibeleave he did, buzz replied with a lower familiar tone he used beafore he,like a tiger charged his prey.

n-n-n-no. p-p-p-lease buzz I beged. p-p-p-please d-d-don'th-h-hit me ag-g-gain. my hands shaking like never before as they closed toghether into a preying stance. if there was a god I wanted him to save me. that he would vanquish this evil tiger that within seconds once again would turn meinto a pathetic victum. he charged against me like a rhyno and once again I couldn't move. it was as meduza had turned me into stone and I was unable to do anything as I saw buzz getting closer and closer. please god, just make it quick i thought as I fellt the clutches of buzz's wrath grabbing me by my throught.

- gett up tough guy. he yelled. and rased his infamos right hand and knuckled it onto my worst nightmare. a fist so horribly strong it broke bones and shatterd mountains with ease. i begged even harder, hoping that this was all just a dream, but mo matter how hard i tried the beast was still there with his fist glaring like a cobra, ready to strike at any second now. the salt in my eyes was now so strong that I couldn't hold it back, and like a roaring rivver they rushed down my shutering cheeks. i imagined my mother, somewhere in the world coming to my rescue and that I could crawl into her arms and that the would save me from everything evil in the world. but she couldnt. as lightnings of rage in shape of buzz's fist startin to rage over my faca. the first one hit me with an intence pain in the right eye followed by another one. i begged him to stop but instead of mercy a third harder punch smashed me over my mouth followed by another hitting my nose. he lost control of hes mindreaping clutch and I once again fell to the ground. i tried to scream for help but my mouth fellt numb and out of control as an intence burn grabed my nose. it was litterly on fire as i coughed and sobbed blood. the familiar taste of rusting metall in my mouth mixed with the taste of sea water made me realise that I once again was a prey within his grasp and that the bloodfrencey turned him to a wolf eager to finnish of his prey. like a helpless and loneley baby I curled onto a babylike state as kick after kick raged over my gut each taking more and more air out of my longs, like an anaconda slowly squeasing the life out of me. dying by the hands of an mercyless brute who hated me without me knowing why? i closed my eyes and prepared for my final moment in this pathetic life as i flashed before my eyes by the sounds of an intence ringing sound. what was this sound. i slowly opend my eyes as I regained consciousness. buzz and all the other kids was nowhere to be seen. the swings where slightly swinging but noone in them. I was all alone in the yeard with noting but a couple of magpies and the intence ringing making me company. the ringing sound had never sounded better as I realised it was the otherwise infamous schoolbells and they had just saved my life.

yet another week has gone by without me really noticing. time is like a flow of water. it keeps going downstream and couldn't care less if you enjoy the ride or not. lately I've feelt like a fish in the water. not the kind of fish that feelshe belong or fit in like the sterotypical fish. just the one that keeps under the surface like the loch ness monster. calmly swiming below the radar without beeing spotted. just swiming around amongst other fishes not beacuse he wants to or needs to, does it anyway beacuse there is nothing else for a silly-below the surface- kind of fish to do. just another creature filling the void in the water. a fish with zero ambition, future plans or motivation. noone can help this kind of fish but him/her self but it's to late. a fish that thinks outside the lake to find a meening for him self but when all comes down to it. doesn't matter if it is a lake, river or even the mighty ocean. without a sparkling mind and a bright future all of that feelike nothing more than a bowl of lonelyness and disapointment. discourage from his fellow fish's progress it swims not as a great fish he was destined to be, but as a shadow of what it might had beacome if it just would put its mind to it. but then again, to late. the agony and anquish seems to increases in number as the prison shinks in seize each day as a memento that it's time grows shorter like the day for each sunrise. soon it's just a matter of time until the oceans of time has ended it's cirkle and the fish with it's last pathetic life keeps asking it self how come it's to late without it realice beafore it was....to.....late

Senaste månaderna har varit tuffa. dödsfall, begravningar, orimliga krav och en mental kollaps när det falska skenet jag hållit uppe under såpass lång tid bara bestämde sig för att explodera som en granat i mitt ansikte. helt utan timer och utan förvarning satte den min annas kontrollerade harmoni i kaos och lämnade mitt fysiska skick utmärgt, brutet och bortglömt med en bitter eftersmak av mental ensamhet och övergivenhet. min farfar som tidigare gick bort iår brukade säga:

"familjen och riktiga vänner är som stjärnor. dem syns inte alltid och det är långt ifrån du jämt lägger märke till dem. men när mörkret är som tätast och livet som kallast, det är då de kliver fram och skiner extra för din tillvaro"

men vad gör man när den så kallade familjen inte fysiskt finns? och de så kallade klipporna till vänner isjälva verket bara är småsten som vill undvika att bli grus eller eller likt regn bara gör helvetet värre?

svaret är att man tar itu med skiten själv. istället för att gräva ner sig i en grav av självömkan och depretion går man tillbaka in i sig själv och hittar guldkornen i vardagen som gör livet värt att kämpa för. man står på sig mot livet när den spöar en som mest och tar man tag i den frustande helvetestjurens horn och stirrar den i vitögat innan man ger den en sån fet smäll som skulle fått livets barnbarn att födas snurriga.

på senaste tid har jag låtit livet sparka mig till en tragisk pöl och lämnat mig i ett mörker jag inte trodde skulle gå att ta sig ur. efter varje slag växte sig lågan i mig allt starkare. det som en gång var ett glödkorn nära att slockna hade växt sig till ett starkt inferno likt 1000 solar. solar av hat, solar av ilska, solar av vrede. solar som enkelt skulle kunna utplåna universum och fortfarande ha mängder med energi kvar. I was once again newborn and alive.

jag kände återigen en känsla med blandade reaktioner en kraft som fick mig att känna mig oövervinnerlig men som på samma gång gjorde mig mer sårbar än jag varit innan. en kraft som gav mig känslan att jag med lätthet skulle klara allt, men som gick över styr med enkelhet skulle kunna ta över mitt sinne och som så många gånger innan försätta mig i trubbel. någonting var tvunget att hända snabbt för att hålla energin i schack innan den skulle förgöra mig. med enorma krafter komer ju trotts allt enormt ansvar. gymmet blev min räddning.

mitt andra hem som funnits där för mig så många gånger i det förflutna, som jag nästan försummat pga att jag fokuserat på fel saker. efter val av gymutrustning och med nya gymskor begav jag mig mot skrotens, och dunka dunka musikens förlovade hemland och berusade mig snart i välkända dofter av linniment, svett och ambitioner till nya mål, damparfym. det var dags att släppa loss energin i form av hård träning. en träning som skulle hålla mig i ett järngrepp som en besatt hund med sina käftar runt sitt byte.

Pounding out aggression
Turns into obsession
Cannot kill the battery

efter 3 timmar intensivt lyftande, en säck som i sina gnislande kedjor bönande om nåd och muskler mörare än nymald köttfärs på ica hade all mörk energi som tidigare hemsökt mitt sinne flytt sin kos. kvar fanns bara känslan av välbehag, inre ro och självbelåtenhet på nytt slagit rot i mitt sinne. istället för att känna mig som en vandrande katastrof som när som helst skulle innebära jordens undergång kände jag mig som en superhjälte. en superhjälte som använt alla sina krafter ansvarsfullt på ett konstruktivt sätt och räddat dagen från en mardröm och en person i nöd. mig själv.

en riktigt fantastisk kännsla är när man lyckas klara av något man inte trodde man skulle kunna. den där varma känslan av självbelåtenhet inbakat som en milkshake tillsammans med sälvförverkligande och självförtroende.

för mitt fall får jag altid den känslan numera när jag låser upp en platinumtrofe i något spel via min playstation. fånigt tycker många helt ok tycker andra. själv blir jag näst intill salig när jag ser den där platinumbublan poppa upp i övre högra hörnet. sekunderna innan blir man som en liten fyraåring igen när man öppnar det där efterlängtade paketet med presenten man alltid tjatat om hela året och som man inners inne vet attman håller på att öppna. de sammanbitna sekunderna man sliter upp pappret tätt följda av de helt saliga känslorna man känner när man ser att man faktiskt äger det man alltid önskat. för min del var jag med om det inatt i samband med min 51a platinum. spelet jag drog igenom var en riktig breeze till en början, men sista delen av listan inkluderade en mängd ruggigt kluriga och koncentrationskrävande minispel och efter 8 timmars ihärdighet, tur, skicklighet samt tillgivenhet har jag nu underhuggit mig platinum 51 with more on the way. Som rubriken säger one of the bes feelings in the world.